"Of course you realize; this means war!"
-Bugs Bunny-
*The camera falls on the interior of a nice log cabin ranch bungalo. Various knicknacks line shelves as in the distance somewhere the sound of fighting is taking place; grunts and movements and the sound of a sudden chain. Somewhere in a deep voice someone says "GET OVER HERE" as te camera passes over a picture of a young man in a high school football jersey alongside a trophy of a football player covered in a thin layer of dust. An iron horseshoe lines the wooden walls as the camera pans over the Confederate flag hanging in the window replacing a curtain. The sounds get louder as the camera pans over a desk revealing a picture of the one and only Johnny Reb hugging a sweet older lady and standing beside his former manager Colonel William Beauregard Jackson and pans to the couch where a man faces the Tv as the game "Mortal Kombat 11" plays before him between Jax and Scorpion. The two tussle landing kombos and punches with the sound of steel fists illuminating our hearing as the man tosses back a brown bottle sipping heavily and the camera pans around him to reveal it's Johnny Reb. He puts down the beer bottle and hugs a controller tight in his grip as he sticks his tongue out clicking buttons delivering a pounding clicks accompanied by the sound of steel fists pummeling a man's head before he looks up from the screen suddenly doing a double take. Pressing the pause button on his XBOX controller he turns with a smile and tips his cowboy hat to the camera with an irreverent but semi-serious tone.*
J.R.: Well, howdy y'all. Didn't see y'all come in. I've just been sittin' here playin' myself a vidjea game. Yep, don't fret none. Ol' Johnny Reb is just like y'all are. At the end of the day I like nuthin' more than kicking my boots up, tossin' back a cold one and playin' me some vidjea games. This one just came out. Good ol' Mortal Kombat 11. I thought I might be able to pick me up some stratie-gie on how to kick a bitch in the twat so hard her spine rips out. Now, this ol' boys got a humdinger of an opponent this week. I got myself the daredevil herself. A legend in the ring. A master of takin' it to the extreme. Ol' Avery McCullen herself. That's right y'all the Sirien champion her God damned self. Well I was proud as punch to hear that. Imagine me... sharing a bar fight with the Irish bad ass herself. Brings a tear this ol' rednecks eye.
*He wipes away a fake tear mocking a bit of crying. Suddenly the camera shakes as if the watcher was shaking his head "no". Johnny looks up in surprise and shock as an ol hounddog pokes it's head up at Johnny's sudden movement as he sits at Johnny's feet.*
J.R.: What's that? It's not Avery?
*The camera shakes "No" again as Johnny feigns sudden sadness then outrage*
J.R.: You mean I got that imitation bimbo barbie version?
*The camera feigns a nodding of the head to signal "Yes". Johnny hangs his head a moment then explodes.*
J.R.: God *Bleep* it! *Bleep* me in the *Bleep*in' ass with a god*Bleep*ed pitchfork. Son of a *Bleep*! Mother *Bleep*in' *Bleep*! Great! Just great! Fine! Whatever! I get the scrubs again! I get it! So, Averi Michelle then. Fine! And I had a great bit about Potatoes too. Anywho, let it never be said of Ol' Johnny Reb that he wasn't a team player! Fuck it! We'll do it live! Excuse me a moment, will ya?!
*Johnny unpauses the game going back to playing as Jax delivers a crushing blow to the back of Scorpions head. He then proceeds to unload a massive kombo into a gotcha grab followed by walking punches before tossing him in the corner and delivering another punishing kombo as the screen annoncer says "Finish Him" before Johnny starts again recomposing himself.*
J.R.: You know I'm at the end of my nerves with this shit. You see "Averi"... WITH AN I! Think of my patience as, I don't know, your virginity. You always thought you'd have it until that night Junior year when you felt a little down about yourself and your pal Kevin from the football team, who just wanted to "be friends", he dropped by and he brought a copy of "Varsity Blues" and a four pack of wine coolers and... Badaboom!
*The screen goes dark as Johnny smiles. On screen Jax rips off Scorpion's arm and knocks his head off with it. It goes in the air as a baseball organ "Charge" plays and Jax Baseball bats the skin off the head with Scorpion's own arm and Johnny just tips his hat up looking at the camera and nodding*
J.R.: It was out of heeere! Just like my patience! Now, I know your ol' BFF Erin is goin' through some rough patch and I can respect that. I'm goin' through a bit myself. You see me and ol General Lee here...
*He points to his Bloodhound at his feet who looks up with big eyes before yawning*
J.R.: See him and me caught your little homecomin' vidjea and well ol' Lee here's stomach hasn't been the same since. Has it ol' boy?
*The dog drops it's head into his paws looking up with big brown eyes pitifully as Johnny leans in patting the dog's side*
J.R.: But just like me, ol' Lee is a fighter. We'll make do and I'm sure you are going to try. Now, I ain't gonna lie the whole frozen bit with Ice Queen had ol' Lee in stitches but me, honey I'm Shania Twain. That don't impress me much. You know Shania Twain? Little before your time i reckon but hey you two had so much in common. She was a Canadian that pretended to be southern. You are a moron pretending to be a wrestler. See... like sisters. Now, I know what y'all are gonna do. Y'all are gonna tell me y'all are gonna "beat me in the ring" but honey I got a little somethin' to tell ya. It ain't gonna be in no damn ring. It's a Bar Fight, honey. You know Bar's. They're those places you go where the bouncer don't let you in unless theres too much dick in there and not enough in you and your friends? Where you laugh and dance and guys buy you drinks and you take your stupid clogs off to dance and then you wake up in shame the next mornin' in some foreign guy with a bald spots apartment? You know... that place. That serves the stupid fruity drinks girls like you need to slide those panties right off. Now, I'm gonna be honest with you. Yeah I've lost to women in the past. Ol' Johnny Reb respects women in the ring and it tends to throw my game off a little. I ain't gonna lie. But the difference between them and you is simple. THEY IS WRESTLERS. Your just some bleached blonde bimbo that decided her and her lesbian friend was gonna take the world by storm by being "big strong wrestler type girls". Hell if I didn't half respect Allura I'd say you two took a trip to Taco Bell to get y'alls jobs if you catch my drift. And trust me that ain't racist cause i didn't say Home Depot, did I?
*He huffs dropping the controller down on the ottoman in front of him as he stands up grabbing the beer bottle up and turning before the camera. He takes a big swig to catch his breath as he walks forward and stares daggers in the camera as he continues.*
J.R.: You know I respect anyone that takes the time to learn how to take it in the ring. But people like you make me sick. you come into here and think because you look like you fell off a barely legal photo shoot y'all can hang with real women. Hell you tricked me into thinkin' I was actually going up against a girl that could actually drink me under the table after she whooped on my ass. Ol' Johnny Reb calls that kind of date a good time. But no I get tough girl Barbie and her matching set of clit lickers don't I? And I know what y'all are gonna say. Ol' Johnny Reb's a homophobe. Ol' Johnny Rebs a sexist. Hell I ain't no homophobe, girl. I love lesbians. Hell pictures of lesbians is what got this good Ol' boy through his high school years. I respect women. I hold the door for any woman I see. The problem is I don't see a woman in front of me. The only thing I see is a skank whore who thinks she can go one on one with yours truly! So go ahead bring the whole cheerleading squad. Hell go into that ol' band room you was reminiscin' about and after you let your kitty there play the star spangled banner on the flute y'all get the marching band to play taps cause I'm gonna kick you so damn hard I'm going to knock you back into your awkward braces phase. Don't worry, trust me guys think that shit is hot as hell. Hell if I know why. The point is I'm gonna let all the hot air out of that bimbo balloon y'all call a noggin! And if you don't like what I'm sayin' sister it's cause I don't believe in safe spaces. Hell there ain't no safe space when Ol' Johnny Reb is beered up, revved up, and ready to duke it out. So after I beat your pretty little face into paste here's what you can do. Grab some avocado spread, some cucumber slices, seaweed wrap and some facial cleanser and shove those sons of bitches right up where the sun don't shine cause thats the only attention y'all are gonna get after I beat your ass back to before the nose job! You remember that time it was after the boob job between the hand jobs and the rimjobs. But hey maybe y'all could get a new job. As a hand model. I hear they have great personalities. Either way you and your gilmore girl hug fest are about to see what happens when you done pissed off a good Ol' boy. And trust me there ain't none better then good Ol' Johnny Reb himself. Y'all wanted Controversy?! Y'all fuckin' got it!
*Johnny tosses back the rest of his beer and then looks back at the camera tossing it to the floor. He stares into the camera with a harsh visceral stare. Awkwardly he stands there for a full minute before looking over the camera and relaxing his stance.*
J.R.: That good? Y'all like that? Hand me that broom behind y'all will ya? Lee! Don't move, darlin'! Daddy's got to clean up this glass. He won't move. He's a good boy. Now, after I clean this mess up y'all want to play? Cool. I call Johnny Cage! Let's go!
*With that the camera cuts and goes to a blue screen as the feed dies and everything goes to black*
