Second Match

[Allura Desmonds]

Second Match
Krampus Match
Cletus the Bum vs Tommy John

Match Description: Place your opponent in a sack and beat them with a kendo stick until they promise not to be naughty.
RP Limit: 2 Per Person
Deadline: 12/26/18 at 11:59pm eastern time
Grace Period: 12/28/18 at 11:59pm eastern time
Good Luck

[machinematt]

The camera smoothly comes into focus.  Tommy John stands in a grassy area. Shade from a tree darkens much of the grassy field Tommy John is standing in.  The green grass really pops on the camera in the sunshine.  Slightly lighter-colored spots of grass can be seen strew abound, evidence of a recent mow.  The smell of freshly cut grass still lingers in the air.  Behind Tommy, two snapper turtles are having sex near a hole by a white, vinyl fence.  We are in the back-yard of Tommy John in his hometown of Possumneck, Mississippi.  A nearby lid-less trash can is full with beer cans and bottles.  Some have spilled over and are lying about next to the trash can.  The can sits in front of a run-down shed.  The appearance of the shed is disheveled and it is rattled with broken windows and holes in the walls. It gives an eerie sense that adult activities go down in that shed.  Tommy John adjusts his backwards trucker hat.  Some hair escapes through the hole about the snapping band of the hat.  Tommy's wild mullet from the back of his head rest on his shoulders.  He wears a Lynard Skynard 3/4 sleeve T-shirt and black and white zebra-style striped Zubaz pants.  He blinks hard at the camera, then licks his lips...



Tommy John: Hey man this is Tommy John. Christmas is right around the corner and kids everywhere will be wakin’ up and heading to their Christmas trees to see what Santy Claus has brought ‘em this year. I don’t even know half the shit my nieces and nephews are asking for. My nephew asked for V Bucks. I said, “V Bucks? This is America…V Bucks…we done beat the Vietkongs circus 1971. They don’t even eat pussy over there. I like my pussy like I like my steaks, pink on the inside and full of gristle. Hell, when I go down, I don’t quit! I’m like a dog eating grass. Swear to God..” so I taught my 8 year old nephew a history lesson that day. I said it right to his face. As for me, I’m just hopin’ to get my boat out of the impound. My first NCW pay check cleared so that’s a good sign.



Tommy John blows upward at his forehead at a hair that doesn’t exist. He adjusts his backwards trucker hat and blinks hard at the camera.





Tommy John: Speakin’ of NCW’s, how’d you like my match? I got to tag team 2 horny chicks with another horny chick! All three of them were in heat, I could smell it on ‘em! Any ways, my partners boyfriend got his ass kicked so now he’s out of the picture…just in time for me to swoop in like Rudolph leadin’ a bunch of nose-racist assholes into the storm! Now I got a win under my belt and get to go toe-to-toe with some guy named Clevis.





Cameraman (off camera): It’s Cletus…Cletus the Bum…





Tommy John: That’s what I said Randy! Now be quiet and just hold the camera steady. I broke my tripod last weekend filming Angel Skinner giving me a tuggie. Now Cletus, I don’t know much about you and you don’t know much about me so I’m just going to let you know that not only am I a world class bowler and future baseball Hall of Famer, I’m also a certified Bad Ass from the School of Hard Knocks. I even got a little Christmas poem that might tickle your bean bag. It goes like this…



T’was the night before Christmas

And all through the jail

Not a creature was stirrin’

So I couldn’t post bail



My mugshot was hung by the entrance with care

In hopes my pre-paid attorney soon would be there

The other inmates were nestled in state-issued beds

While visions of pardons danced in their heads



And I in my Zubaz and Ozzfest cap

Had just squatted down

To take a long, public crap





Randy (off camera): Aw, c’mon Tommy, you know that’s not how the story goes…





Tommy John: Shut up Randy, you’ve never been locked up any ways, so how would you know what it’s like on the inside. For your information there’s only one commode and there’s no doors or toilet paper, there just ain’t, it’s state law. It’s all out in the open, and everyone stares at you like the dunk tank at the fair, but I didn’t care cuz I’m a bad ass and I have the Class B misdemeanors to prove it. I ain’t like you Randy, jail ain’t no place for pussies. I bet if you got locked up on Christmas Eve you’d be cryin’ like the time we put crazy glue on your toothbrush. If that’s what it takes to shut your mouth, I’ll do it again Randy, I swear to God I will! Now shut up and let me finish this poem!





So there I was, alone on Christmas Eve with a tear in my eye

‘Til they hauled in my mom Phyllis on another DUI

Then 12 hours later, the guard called us out by name

“Hey Tommy John! Go grab your sivvy’s, your pager, go get your Mountain Dew

You’re free to go Tommy, and your momma is too!”





Randy (off camera): I highly doubt a fully licensed corrections officer would say that…





Tommy John: Look it up Randy, transcripts, Court 7…



Any ways, I’ll never forget what he said as I started to leave

“Hey Tommy John, I’ll bet your ass is back here on New Year’s Eve”

I swear to God he said that!



Now, should I go get my tuggies now? Or should I wait until after the show? I mean, we’re in Vegas damn it, hookers are legal here. They’re just struttin’ around town like a bunch a chickens after they lay eggs because now they got room in their vaginas for a cock. Get it Randy? Cock?





Randy (off camera): I got it…





Tommy John: No you didn’t Randy. You failed Science. A cock means a male chicken, you dumbass, and that’s pretty much going to be Cletus the Bum. I’m going to beat his ass and celebrate by tea baggin’ him because this is a Krampus match. I get to smack him around with a Ken-doll Stick, whatever that is, until he swears he’ll behave. It seems a little off to me…two dudes fighting over a stick to spank each other with…I ain’t into guys but those who are did get one thing right, dog fashion. Dog fashion is my absolute favorite, just go ask Angel Skinners or Megan O’Hare down at the docks. I did them both dog fashion and they didn’t shit right for a week. Let’s get out of here man, I’m sweatin’ my ass off in this desert heat. See you at Christmas Mourning Cletus! You bum!





Tommy John blows towards a phantom hair that is not on his forehead and blinks hard at the camera before the scene cuts.

[Thund3rEnigma]

Living In The Dump.



The Scene opened up at a trash site. Where Cletus and his wife Delilah were seen scrummaging around. Cletus Stumbles apon a ripped up old chair.  And then begins to speak.



Cletus The Bum
My God it's beautiful we should take this home with us.


Delilah The Bumtress
I just found and old bucks of fake nails I can put on. Hopefully another person didn't steal my nail glue. Someone always keeps stealing it.


Cletus The Bum
Yeah I am sure it is still there I hid it good.


Delilah The Bumtress
Did you hear about your match babe facing  Tommy John in a Krampus Match? That seems like that is your specialty.



Cletus The Bum

Yeah I heard about it and that match sounds good we got plenty of those old bags that Ms Allura did something in ye favor this time around. You think we can finally pull of and upset.


Delilah The Bumtress
I dunno how much of an upset that would be you beating a nobody such as Tommy John sounds like the sun of whomever made the jon on the outside of this year home.


Cletus laughs.


Cletus The Bum
Yeah
you are right about that. I am going to put Tommy John in this year bag and then afterword's we can fuck to celebrate. 



Delilah giggles. 


Delilah The Bumtress
Yeah Maybe if you win. But you should get your head out of my pussy and onto your opponent.


Cletus The Bum
You are right. To Tommy John I am sorry about your luck. I am going to party until I drop and then I am going to come into Christmas Warning and become Krampus. I am going to make you cry and scream like the little bitch you are. Then maybe I can sleep with your wife in the process to so that way you have nothing to live for Aside from that I will get my first win on a major ppv.  So I wish you luck me and  My wife here have to find more treasures for ye home. actions speak louder than words.


The Scene fades.